Maybe he has no signal. Perhaps he got drunk and his phone fell in the toilet. Isn’t the football on today (frantically checks listings and forgets which damn team he supports) Step inside the mind of a female who isn’t getting her textual fix…
I’m a massive texter. Not a day goes by where I’m not bantering someone with silly movie quotes, or super hilarious memes created by yours truly. And if my mate doesn’t reply for a few hours or even days I don’t really bat an eyelid, yet if I’ve pressed send to a member of the opposite sex I am engaging in flirtations with, and he doesn’t reply for a few hours then woah.momma… my inner insecure princess comes out, mixed with a little bit of she-hulk. (Imagine having PMS and a little puff of a crack pipe; you’re pretty much there…)
So, while he might be out with his mates, taking a shit, doing his weekly shop or simply busy being a lad, us females tend to jump aboard the crazy train stopping at Overthinking Parkway, Stalker Central, and ‘Fuck this I’m out’ Street. Basically we get our ovaries in a twist thinking it’s all about us, simply because someone hasn’t used their fingers and typed a message back to us… Here are some of those epic stages women go.
“That date we had last night was awesome, I’ll drop him a witty line to let him know…”
Hey Mr,
Thanks for an awesome time last night.
If you’re lucky I’ll let you take me out again…;)
Like that first bite of a Krispy Kreme, the rush of excitement whizzes round at what you’ve just sent, and you get a giddy sugar-esque rush at the thought of his cheeky smile reading it, and could almost piss yourself waiting to see his response.
1 hour later
It’s a slow day. Pay day is a week away, you have limited funds, limited friend time and you’ve exhausted every decent season on Netflix, so waiting for the beep beep of your telecommunications device is pretty much like being in your own little drama. But an hours passed and there’s no reply; surely he can’t have forgotten about the date already? I mean you wore your best eyeliner for him and even had your eyebrows threaded. Ok,ok, calm down, it’s a Saturday and you did drink a fair amount last night… Give it a few more hours and I’m sure he’ll send a cute reply. Now… It’s been a while since I rearranged my nail polish collection so let’s crack on…
6 hours later
Your phone beeps and you dive across the bedroom like a Lauren Goodger at a selfie convention. Oh for fucks sake, it’s Dominos pizza with a special offer for one – just piss off will you!?
You launch your phone then shamefully pick it up and look at when you text him, then look through previous messages to see what the vibe was like, then you analyse last nights date and remember that some bits were blurry and you may have mentioned an ex. Oh balls, is that why he hasn’t text? Did the eyeliner remind him of a panda? Actually did he even get home ok last night?
*puts phone in the cupboard and watches Take me out instead*
Muuuuuch later that evening
Ok this is an absolute piss take, he clearly doesn’t have read alerts on as he doesn’t want you to know he has read your stupid message; he’s probably laying on his sofa swiping through Tinder and arranging dates. That’s it, you’ve decided you’re gonna text again and say it’s pointless continuing. This just reminds you why you remain single, all men are the same; well apart from Max Branning and Channing Tatum. Channing would never do this to you, no! He’d date you, dance for you and even grind on top a little bit.
So you message your best mate to have a rant and try to gain a teeny tiny piece of perspective, which just results in you both analysing each move and message and reminiscing on guys who have done this before.
“That’s it! I’m not going to reply even if he does message me. Yeah we had a good time but who does he think he is? I’m done. I’m done. I’m done….he just can’t do thi…”
Beep beep
“Hey lady,
Sorry I’ve been out all day and haven’t stopped.
Had a wicked time 😉 you free this week?”
“Oh ok wait! He’s finally text me back! Panic over. Forget everything I said. So… What should I wear?”
So there you have it; the life cycle of a girl who is waiting for that text. It’s probably happening to millions of women right now and I’ve had it happen countless times to me, but now I’m much better at reading the signs and also kicking off if I need to.
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Hitched & Ditched 
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