Single on Valentine’s Day – how to be your very own one and only

There’s something in the air around this time of year which leaves couples upping their asshole-ness and going all ‘pooki-wooki, oh I wuv you snuggle bear” right up in my grill. Now I’m all for a bit of romance, but for a single gal like myself the big V Day can be a slightly depressing affair; imagine Christmas with no Top of the Pops and you’re pretty much there. But this year I refuse to mope or throw darts at pictures of my douche bag exes, hell NO! This year I am going to treat myself like the queen bee that I am, and do everything that a man would do for me on Valentine’s Day, and yes – I mean everything….

Morning: breakfast in bed
When you are with someone you are forced to share pretty much everything; the same bed, the duvet (don’t even get me started…), a group of friends and more annoyingly: FOOD. I’ll leave my good Friend to say…

So this Valentine’s Day I’ll be making some lovely poached eggs, salmon and toast, complete with an amazing Nespresso coffee, and I’ll have to share it with no mother fucker. They’ll be crumbs everywhere and maybe some yolk on my pillow case for when I get home. blissful…

Drives you to work
Aww, ain’t it fab when the man acts like Lewis Hamilton and drives you to work; what a gent he is, what a swell guy. Actually no, because he drives like an ass, gets angry at people on the curb who are just living life, and listens to terrible music for the whole commute. Give me my sweet ass Ford KA, my Ministry of Sound playlist and the ability to shield myself from any potential male road rage. Plus, I just flutter my eyelashes and pull a sad face so that people let me out of side roads; being with your man would make that a huge FAIL. The only reason I would want to take a ride with a guy is if it ended something like this….

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Mid afternoon: the arrival of flowers or 5 foot bears
A few girls in my office have received flowers, and I’m not going to bullshit here as it does make me feel slightly jealous; ok mega jealous and sometimes I want to bash them over the head in a rage (sorry ladies, love you really!) so why not do a good deed and send some to one of your best friends, especially if they are single. As Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to focus around the person you give your love hormone to.

Evening: The romantic meal
Single On Valentine’s Day; sounds like a slasher movie doesn’t it? And it conjures up such negative images of women crying, eating Ben and Jerry’s, then going and crying in the shower fully clothed. So as millions of couples light the candles and tuck into a lovely meal, why shouldn’t you do the same with your girlfriends? See it as a day to celebrate love, friendship and being a group of hot bitches.

The no pants dance/ horizontal jogging/ getting your leg over
For me the most frustrating thing about being single on Valentine’s Day is the sex, as it’s a time to let loose and make time for some fifty shades kind of action. This is pretty hard to do when you are flying solo, but not impossible, and indulging in some lady loving could be the perfect end to your solo V-Day. I was recently sent some ‘sensual pleasure gels’ from the lovely folk at Durex, which feature two stimulating lubes that ‘cum’ together for an amazing reaction. Now, I have yet to try them with a man (form an orderly queue gents) but the mixture of the warm gel and the tingly one does leave you feeling more than satisfied, plus if you are getting jiggy with yourself then it’s guaranteed to end in fireworks as you are in total control all. night. long…

Durex are holding a special launch event to celebrate: Simply visit the South Bank on Thursday, February 13, to witness ‘The Embrace’ – an incredible light and dance spectacular brought to you by Durex Embrace.
Tweet #DurexEmbrace for the opportunity to see your Valentine message displayed for the world to see. Come down between 6pm and 8:30pm and also get the chance to WIN:

o 3 x luxury weekend breaks
o 6 x Intimate dinners for two at top restaurants
o 9 x Romantic stays at boutique hotels
o 6 x Sets of designer underwear
o Plus lots of fun freebies

Not hooked: Ditched’s Plenty of Fish experience

In November 2013 Ditched took the plunge and went on her very first internet date after years of claiming she never would. Here she reveals what really went down and why she won’t be taking the bait again any time soon…

For me, the most exciting part of a relationship is the beginning; where it’s the just the right amount of awkward and you both hold back until you either run away or actually make a go of it. A huge part of this experience is the initial meeting – or as I like to call it ‘the conversation starter’, where you actually reveal to the outside world how you both met.

Perhaps I’ve seen one too many Hugh Grant romps, but I’m a sucker for a random encounter – whether that be at an outdoor party in Ibiza, or meeting someone so annoying you want to pass out just to escape, only to be in bed with them a few weeks later and watching back to back episodes of Take Me Out #loveu4eva

So if you take that randomness and face to face meeting away, and replace it with a screen, deceiving pictures and instant messaging, it just isn’t going to feel the same. So, why did I even sign up to a dating site……

I’ve been single for roughly three years now, with the odd fumble, snog and romantic flurry thrown in the mix. Being 29 I don’t go out raving like I used to, plus it’s a known fact that most people don’t meet potential relationships in a booze fuelled environment, so I thought I would get talking to a few fellas and see if there are decent men in the world of virtual dating.

I first signed up in 2012 and arranged to meet a fireman from Birmingham, but I lost my lady balls and understandably he lost interest. But during my textual time with him I did get that little buzz of excitement when he got in touch, so he could have been the one but I was too chicken shit to find out. After that I closed my account and didn’t create a new one until November 2013, as again I had a few near misses with blokes and missed that little bit of attention.

The site I joined was Plenty of Fish, which isn’t the greatest for meeting someone as it’s a free site and you can create a profile in a matter of seconds. I had a fair few men contact me, but many couldn’t hold my interest for more than a few messages back and fourth. Then a few weeks down the line a guy contacted me and the banter was flowing; he seemed different and was 37 so I wasn’t worried about him being a complete immature tool. He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink one evening after work, which made my palms sweaty and my heart sink into my ass- could I really do this? Was I willing to go against everything I believed in and try something new? I said yes, but in the back of my mind I had a sneaky suspicion I was going to cancel that day…

Date day came around and I was nervous as hell; every hour that ticked by at work had me feeling more and more anxious. I had so much going on in my mind; what if he smells? What if he isn’t funny? What if he looks nothing like he does in his pictures? As my working day came to an end, I went to the toilet to get changed and had a huge wave of panic come over me “Oh shit, this is actually happening!! But I managed to calm myself down, glam myself up and steady my nerves for the drive into town.

A huge traffic jam awaited as I pulled out of the car park, and I almost used this as an excuse to bail, but he was willing to wait for me in the bar we had arranged to meet at. FUCK, no turning back now (literally).

I walked nervously and slowly to the bar, and there he was waiting for me. I almost collapsed in his arms as the relief washed over me; come on Kelly, he is just another human, with a beating heart, stubbly face and dangly bits between his legs, what’s the worst that could happen? We got a drink and sat down chatting; did I fancy him? I really couldn’t make up mind! One minute I thought I did, then the next he would say something or laugh a certain way and I found it off putting!

Things were going reasonably well so we headed across the road to another bar, but this is where things went a little down hill….

Throughout the evening he kept doing funny voices and impressions, which was pretty cool for about 15 minutes, but he obviously thought this was working so carried on. But I felt like I was on a date with a cartoon character or The Mask after a while! And I’m all for a bit of Jim Carrey, but threes certainly a time and a place. Then the conversation took a serious turn and he went in to Dad mode by giving me a small lecture; I know you’re 37 dude but back the fuck off!

It all started as we were chatting about exes (first date fail) and I happened to mention that I once dated a barrister and that we were so mismatched that it was never going to go anywhere (erm hello, me skiing? Do one!) so I jokingly said “if you were a posh boy I would have ran a mile!” And clearly I hit some sort of nerve, as he went off on one about how I shouldn’t judge someone as it’s not fair….. O…….K….

So after that lead balloon had gone down, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but he wanted to take me for some food and didn’t understand why I wanted to get home. He finally took no for an answer and walked me to my car, and we had a small and awkward embrace before I kicked off my heels, slid on some flats and drove home feeling not much at all.

I sent him a little text to say I had gotten home ok, and he asked if I wanted to meet up again as he said he had a great time. “oh balls, what the f do I do now? I need to be honest! How long do I wait to text?! Argh! This is why I don’t date!”

I waited 10 minutes and quickly typed my response…

I had a nice time but I’m going to be honest, I don’t see this going anywhere as that spark just wasn’t there for me. You’re a nice guy but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here.

Ok but I really don’t see how you can feel that way after one date. Was it the voices I did, or was it our little debate? That was just banter! Come on, let me take you for dinner at the weekend and I’m sure you will feel differently

I know how I feel and I know what I want, sorry. And yes the voices were a bit too much, and I felt like you had a go at me also. Let’s just leave it and see it as a nice night, you did say there was no pressure here for me to see you again, that’s the whole point of dating.

ok well I hope you find what you are looking for. I don’t understand women sometimes, a guy can try and be nice and they still want a bad boy! Guess it comes down to if you fancy me or not doesn’t it.

Look, I’ve had a nice evening and I’ve been honest with you. I’m not gonna go for dinner with you and waste your time. You’re making me feel bad for no reason, yeah fancying someone does matter but it’s not all about that. And as for bad boys, I’m after a spark, not someone to treat me like dirt.

ok, hope you find what you are looking for. I’m here if you change your mind

thanks but I won’t. Enjoy your weekend

FFS! talk about keen bean! The guy made me feel like I had jilted him at the alter! And yes he was an ok guy, and not a complete munter, but I really disagree about a spark forming further down the line- for me there needs to be that initial something there otherwise it’s pointless; which is why meeting someone in real life, and not behind a screen is the way forward for me in the future.

I’ve recently been dabbling a little on Tinder, and suggested meeting up with someone who seemed pretty amazing, but when we mentioned it he said he didn’t really know what he was looking for…. logs off dating sites and heads out into the real world

Will I find that encounter I am looking for? Watch this space!