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Marriage, bed and me – habits of a wedded couple

19 Mar

The Dream

When you are single you dream of cuddles, snuggles and breakfast in bed. Something a little like this…

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But let me tell you my reality is very different and this post will explain that. I’m not suggesting this is how all married couples sleep but if you go to bed with snuggles every night I hate you!

The Reality

Nik and I rarely go to bed together – I would say 1 out of the 7 nights in a week we go to bed together.  I love sleep and if I’m tired at 9pm I will go to bed – I will never fight to stay awake. But Nik on the other hand is more than happy to stay up until 3am (on a school night!) playing Fifa!

Is it selfish that I like it this way?

I have a particular bed time routine that I like to stick too, this is not an OCD, no matter what Nik says. Part of this routine includes falling asleep by sunset to the sound of a thunderstorm. Thanks to my Lumie SAD lamp and my favourite app, Rain Rain. I also get to spread out in the star position if I like. It has been known my poor husband has had to had to get out of bed and move to the otherside in the middle of the night. Just last week I woke up to find him sleeping by my feet – top and tail style. What a lucky guy.

I am also a BIG fan of the Sudo cream facemask. If you don’t know what this is please let me explain. A little while ago I read in a magazine that Cheryl (Fernandez-Versini) did this as part of her skincare routine, I tried it once and I was hooked. Basically you get the famous bum cream and smoother your face, go to sleep and let in soak in overnight. This means you go to bed looking like this…

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TIP – You don’t need to go this thick – this was just for the purpose of the photo!

I am also a fan of an Elizabeth Arden overnight soak. Do you get the idea my skin care routine is lazy! This is also another sticky, overnight process; meaning late night passions are a big no no here!

So what does going to bed separately mean, if anything?

When we go to bed together it is really not that special, you do not have to have sex at bedtime and I’m usually annoyed that I don’t that have the whole bed to myself. So is our relationship doomed if we don’t have the perfect bedtime routine?

The perfect bedtime routine does not exist. At the beginning of a new relationship you attempt this… but it fails. Need I saw anymore https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbrG0VIFcD8

Sleep impacts your mood and wellbeing right, so why sacrifice it! Some couples sleep in separate rooms and if that’s what works for you fine, I don’t think it means your relationship is doomed.

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What women think when he doesn’t text back…

22 Feb

Maybe he has no signal. Perhaps he got drunk and his phone fell in the toilet. Isn’t the football on today (frantically checks listings and forgets which damn team he supports) Step inside the mind of a female who isn’t getting her textual fix…

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I’m a massive texter. Not a day goes by where I’m not bantering someone with silly movie quotes, or super hilarious memes created by yours truly. And if my mate doesn’t reply for a few hours or even days I don’t really bat an eyelid, yet if I’ve pressed send to a member of the opposite sex I am engaging in flirtations with, and he doesn’t reply for a few hours then woah.momma… my inner insecure princess comes out, mixed with a little bit of she-hulk. (Imagine having PMS and a little puff of a crack pipe; you’re pretty much there…)

So, while he might be out with his mates, taking a shit, doing his weekly shop or simply busy being a lad, us females tend to jump aboard the crazy train stopping at Overthinking Parkway, Stalker Central, and ‘Fuck this I’m out’ Street. Basically we get our ovaries in a twist thinking it’s all about us, simply because someone hasn’t used their fingers and typed a message back to us… Here are some of those epic stages women go.

“That date we had last night was awesome, I’ll drop him a witty line to let him know…”

Hey Mr,
Thanks for an awesome time last night.
If you’re lucky I’ll let you take me out again…;)

Like that first bite of a Krispy Kreme, the rush of excitement whizzes round at what you’ve just sent, and you get a giddy sugar-esque rush at the thought of his cheeky smile reading it, and could almost piss yourself waiting to see his response.

1 hour later
It’s a slow day. Pay day is a week away, you have limited funds, limited friend time and you’ve exhausted every decent season on Netflix, so waiting for the beep beep of your telecommunications device is pretty much like being in your own little drama. But an hours passed and there’s no reply; surely he can’t have forgotten about the date already? I mean you wore your best eyeliner for him and even had your eyebrows threaded. Ok,ok, calm down, it’s a Saturday and you did drink a fair amount last night… Give it a few more hours and I’m sure he’ll send a cute reply. Now… It’s been a while since I rearranged my nail polish collection so let’s crack on…

6 hours later
Your phone beeps and you dive across the bedroom like a Lauren Goodger at a selfie convention. Oh for fucks sake, it’s Dominos pizza with a special offer for one – just piss off will you!?
You launch your phone then shamefully pick it up and look at when you text him, then look through previous messages to see what the vibe was like, then you analyse last nights date and remember that some bits were blurry and you may have mentioned an ex. Oh balls, is that why he hasn’t text? Did the eyeliner remind him of a panda? Actually did he even get home ok last night?
*puts phone in the cupboard and watches Take me out instead*

Muuuuuch later that evening
Ok this is an absolute piss take, he clearly doesn’t have read alerts on as he doesn’t want you to know he has read your stupid message; he’s probably laying on his sofa swiping through Tinder and arranging dates. That’s it, you’ve decided you’re gonna text again and say it’s pointless continuing. This just reminds you why you remain single, all men are the same; well apart from Max Branning and Channing Tatum. Channing would never do this to you, no! He’d date you, dance for you and even grind on top a little bit.
So you message your best mate to have a rant and try to gain a teeny tiny piece of perspective, which just results in you both analysing each move and message and reminiscing on guys who have done this before.

“That’s it! I’m not going to reply even if he does message me. Yeah we had a good time but who does he think he is? I’m done. I’m done. I’m done….he just can’t do thi…”

Beep beep

“Hey lady,
Sorry I’ve been out all day and haven’t stopped.
Had a wicked time 😉 you free this week?”

“Oh ok wait! He’s finally text me back! Panic over. Forget everything I said. So… What should I wear?”

So there you have it; the life cycle of a girl who is waiting for that text. It’s probably happening to millions of women right now and I’ve had it happen countless times to me, but now I’m much better at reading the signs and also kicking off if I need to.

Let us know your stories by tweeting us @hitchednditched

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Single on Valentine’s Day – how to be your very own one and only

10 Feb

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There’s something in the air around this time of year which leaves couples upping their asshole-ness and going all ‘pooki-wooki, oh I wuv you snuggle bear” right up in my grill. Now I’m all for a bit of romance, but for a single gal like myself the big V Day can be a slightly depressing affair; imagine Christmas with no Top of the Pops and you’re pretty much there. But this year I refuse to mope or throw darts at pictures of my douche bag exes, hell NO! This year I am going to treat myself like the queen bee that I am, and do everything that a man would do for me on Valentine’s Day, and yes – I mean everything….

Morning: breakfast in bed
When you are with someone you are forced to share pretty much everything; the same bed, the duvet (don’t even get me started…), a group of friends and more annoyingly: FOOD. I’ll leave my good Friend to say…

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So this Valentine’s Day I’ll be making some lovely poached eggs, salmon and toast, complete with an amazing Nespresso coffee, and I’ll have to share it with no mother fucker. They’ll be crumbs everywhere and maybe some yolk on my pillow case for when I get home. blissful…

Drives you to work
Aww, ain’t it fab when the man acts like Lewis Hamilton and drives you to work; what a gent he is, what a swell guy. Actually no, because he drives like an ass, gets angry at people on the curb who are just living life, and listens to terrible music for the whole commute. Give me my sweet ass Ford KA, my Ministry of Sound playlist and the ability to shield myself from any potential male road rage. Plus, I just flutter my eyelashes and pull a sad face so that people let me out of side roads; being with your man would make that a huge FAIL. The only reason I would want to take a ride with a guy is if it ended something like this….

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Mid afternoon: the arrival of flowers or 5 foot bears
A few girls in my office have received flowers, and I’m not going to bullshit here as it does make me feel slightly jealous; ok mega jealous and sometimes I want to bash them over the head in a rage (sorry ladies, love you really!) so why not do a good deed and send some to one of your best friends, especially if they are single. As Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to focus around the person you give your love hormone to.

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Evening: The romantic meal
Single On Valentine’s Day; sounds like a slasher movie doesn’t it? And it conjures up such negative images of women crying, eating Ben and Jerry’s, then going and crying in the shower fully clothed. So as millions of couples light the candles and tuck into a lovely meal, why shouldn’t you do the same with your girlfriends? See it as a day to celebrate love, friendship and being a group of hot bitches.

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The no pants dance/ horizontal jogging/ getting your leg over
For me the most frustrating thing about being single on Valentine’s Day is the sex, as it’s a time to let loose and make time for some fifty shades kind of action. This is pretty hard to do when you are flying solo, but not impossible, and indulging in some lady loving could be the perfect end to your solo V-Day. I was recently sent some ‘sensual pleasure gels’ from the lovely folk at Durex, which feature two stimulating lubes that ‘cum’ together for an amazing reaction. Now, I have yet to try them with a man (form an orderly queue gents) but the mixture of the warm gel and the tingly one does leave you feeling more than satisfied, plus if you are getting jiggy with yourself then it’s guaranteed to end in fireworks as you are in total control all. night. long…

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Durex are holding a special launch event to celebrate: Simply visit the South Bank on Thursday, February 13, to witness ‘The Embrace’ – an incredible light and dance spectacular brought to you by Durex Embrace.
Tweet #DurexEmbrace for the opportunity to see your Valentine message displayed for the world to see. Come down between 6pm and 8:30pm and also get the chance to WIN:

o 3 x luxury weekend breaks
o 6 x Intimate dinners for two at top restaurants
o 9 x Romantic stays at boutique hotels
o 6 x Sets of designer underwear
o Plus lots of fun freebies

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Not hooked: Ditched’s Plenty of Fish experience

2 Feb

In November 2013 Ditched took the plunge and went on her very first internet date after years of claiming she never would. Here she reveals what really went down and why she won’t be taking the bait again any time soon…

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For me, the most exciting part of a relationship is the beginning; where it’s the just the right amount of awkward and you both hold back until you either run away or actually make a go of it. A huge part of this experience is the initial meeting – or as I like to call it ‘the conversation starter’, where you actually reveal to the outside world how you both met.

Perhaps I’ve seen one too many Hugh Grant romps, but I’m a sucker for a random encounter – whether that be at an outdoor party in Ibiza, or meeting someone so annoying you want to pass out just to escape, only to be in bed with them a few weeks later and watching back to back episodes of Take Me Out #loveu4eva

So if you take that randomness and face to face meeting away, and replace it with a screen, deceiving pictures and instant messaging, it just isn’t going to feel the same. So, why did I even sign up to a dating site……

I’ve been single for roughly three years now, with the odd fumble, snog and romantic flurry thrown in the mix. Being 29 I don’t go out raving like I used to, plus it’s a known fact that most people don’t meet potential relationships in a booze fuelled environment, so I thought I would get talking to a few fellas and see if there are decent men in the world of virtual dating.

I first signed up in 2012 and arranged to meet a fireman from Birmingham, but I lost my lady balls and understandably he lost interest. But during my textual time with him I did get that little buzz of excitement when he got in touch, so he could have been the one but I was too chicken shit to find out. After that I closed my account and didn’t create a new one until November 2013, as again I had a few near misses with blokes and missed that little bit of attention.

The site I joined was Plenty of Fish, which isn’t the greatest for meeting someone as it’s a free site and you can create a profile in a matter of seconds. I had a fair few men contact me, but many couldn’t hold my interest for more than a few messages back and fourth. Then a few weeks down the line a guy contacted me and the banter was flowing; he seemed different and was 37 so I wasn’t worried about him being a complete immature tool. He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink one evening after work, which made my palms sweaty and my heart sink into my ass- could I really do this? Was I willing to go against everything I believed in and try something new? I said yes, but in the back of my mind I had a sneaky suspicion I was going to cancel that day…

Date day came around and I was nervous as hell; every hour that ticked by at work had me feeling more and more anxious. I had so much going on in my mind; what if he smells? What if he isn’t funny? What if he looks nothing like he does in his pictures? As my working day came to an end, I went to the toilet to get changed and had a huge wave of panic come over me “Oh shit, this is actually happening!! But I managed to calm myself down, glam myself up and steady my nerves for the drive into town.

A huge traffic jam awaited as I pulled out of the car park, and I almost used this as an excuse to bail, but he was willing to wait for me in the bar we had arranged to meet at. FUCK, no turning back now (literally).

I walked nervously and slowly to the bar, and there he was waiting for me. I almost collapsed in his arms as the relief washed over me; come on Kelly, he is just another human, with a beating heart, stubbly face and dangly bits between his legs, what’s the worst that could happen? We got a drink and sat down chatting; did I fancy him? I really couldn’t make up mind! One minute I thought I did, then the next he would say something or laugh a certain way and I found it off putting!

Things were going reasonably well so we headed across the road to another bar, but this is where things went a little down hill….

Throughout the evening he kept doing funny voices and impressions, which was pretty cool for about 15 minutes, but he obviously thought this was working so carried on. But I felt like I was on a date with a cartoon character or The Mask after a while! And I’m all for a bit of Jim Carrey, but threes certainly a time and a place. Then the conversation took a serious turn and he went in to Dad mode by giving me a small lecture; I know you’re 37 dude but back the fuck off!

It all started as we were chatting about exes (first date fail) and I happened to mention that I once dated a barrister and that we were so mismatched that it was never going to go anywhere (erm hello, me skiing? Do one!) so I jokingly said “if you were a posh boy I would have ran a mile!” And clearly I hit some sort of nerve, as he went off on one about how I shouldn’t judge someone as it’s not fair….. O…….K….

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So after that lead balloon had gone down, I just wanted to get the hell out of there, but he wanted to take me for some food and didn’t understand why I wanted to get home. He finally took no for an answer and walked me to my car, and we had a small and awkward embrace before I kicked off my heels, slid on some flats and drove home feeling not much at all.

I sent him a little text to say I had gotten home ok, and he asked if I wanted to meet up again as he said he had a great time. “oh balls, what the f do I do now? I need to be honest! How long do I wait to text?! Argh! This is why I don’t date!”

I waited 10 minutes and quickly typed my response…

I had a nice time but I’m going to be honest, I don’t see this going anywhere as that spark just wasn’t there for me. You’re a nice guy but I don’t want to waste anyone’s time here.

Ok but I really don’t see how you can feel that way after one date. Was it the voices I did, or was it our little debate? That was just banter! Come on, let me take you for dinner at the weekend and I’m sure you will feel differently

I know how I feel and I know what I want, sorry. And yes the voices were a bit too much, and I felt like you had a go at me also. Let’s just leave it and see it as a nice night, you did say there was no pressure here for me to see you again, that’s the whole point of dating.

ok well I hope you find what you are looking for. I don’t understand women sometimes, a guy can try and be nice and they still want a bad boy! Guess it comes down to if you fancy me or not doesn’t it.

Look, I’ve had a nice evening and I’ve been honest with you. I’m not gonna go for dinner with you and waste your time. You’re making me feel bad for no reason, yeah fancying someone does matter but it’s not all about that. And as for bad boys, I’m after a spark, not someone to treat me like dirt.

ok, hope you find what you are looking for. I’m here if you change your mind

thanks but I won’t. Enjoy your weekend

FFS! talk about keen bean! The guy made me feel like I had jilted him at the alter! And yes he was an ok guy, and not a complete munter, but I really disagree about a spark forming further down the line- for me there needs to be that initial something there otherwise it’s pointless; which is why meeting someone in real life, and not behind a screen is the way forward for me in the future.

I’ve recently been dabbling a little on Tinder, and suggested meeting up with someone who seemed pretty amazing, but when we mentioned it he said he didn’t really know what he was looking for…. logs off dating sites and heads out into the real world

Will I find that encounter I am looking for? Watch this space!

The Dark Side of Love…

30 Sep

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Here at Hitched & Ditched we like to look at the lighter side of love, or make light of the idiotic stuff that some men do. We love a good pun and witty comment too, but sometimes it’s important to take a look at issues that bring out strong emotions. Today we read that popstar Katy Perry considered taking her own life after divorcing Russell Brand and it touched something in us…

Most women in their lifetime will encounter love – whether that’s with friends, family or falling head over heels for ten Mr wrongs, until one day you wear the right pair of heels and stay up for Mr Right. The L-drug is stronger than Hitched’s morning coffee, and can make you do, say and feel crazy and intense things; which is why it’s no surprise that should your relationship sail off course, feelings of deep sorrow, loneliness and a crisis of self confidence can leave you floundering.

Katy & Russell experienced a whirlwind romance- something our Ditched has always dreamed off, and with these roller coaster hook ups come extreme highs and truly devastating lows. As with any break up, especially when a marriage is involved, you are left questioning everything about life and what’s next for you; and while celebrity may offer disposable income to buy new cars, clothes and arm candy, it doesn’t mean the pain of someone rejecting you is any easier.

I asked myself- “Do I want to endure? Should I continue living?

Ditched says:
“My hardest break up came from a really short romance, and actually hurt more than my previous 2 year relationship- he excited me from the get go and the build up to us getting together was just the right balance of causal teasing and actual feelings. His texts excited me, the idea of seeing him for an evening of X Factor and our own X rated action thrilled me- I was slowly falling but he just wasn’t ready for the laughs and laid back evenings to become anything more than that, so he ended it by text message as I was on my way to meet my brother for lunch- what followed was me sobbing in the loos of Revolution like a child who couldn’t breathe after a tantrum.”

“I felt alone- I’d wake up and for the tiniest piece of a split second I felt normal, then my brain had its shot of espresso and informed my stomach to flip and my tear ducts to fill up again. Looking in the mirror I felt grim, pale and like my mojo had gone- and all because of a somewhat lanky man with questionable dress sense. Although I felt alone and had my bad days, I never questioned my place on this earth, so for Katy to have these thoughts running through her mind must have meant she was pretty much a broken woman.”

Depression and anxiety are two things very close to Hitched & Ditched’s heart, and something as traumatic as a big break up can bring out feelings, thoughts and emotions that you never knew existed. But if you do find yourself at a very low ebb; one where ice cream and your favourite film just won’t do, then it’s very important- no VITAL, that you talk to someone about just how much it is effecting you- if you struggle with this then writing it down may also be a huge help too.

We at Hitched & Ditched are very happy that Katy has Roared back to her best and cannot wait to hear more from the California Gurl.

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F*ck (off) buddy

15 Sep

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“Here’s a question. Why do girls feel the need to make it anymore than just sex? Each and every girl makes out that they’re “not that type of girl” but what does that even mean?!”

What does it even mean eh? I mean if we don’t know what it means then how can he possibly know the meaning?

The above quotion (quote/question) comes from a bloke who has outright asked me if I fancy being somewhat of a horizontal jogging partner; I’ve told him the only exercise I do is my morning sit up, aka getting out of bed, and that I’m not the type of girl who can have sexual fun times without A. Feeling cheap B. feeling awkward or C. Feeling like I should be feeling something more than the earth (possibly) moving.

I get where he is coming from, and I know exactly where he’d like to be cumin’ into, but I’m not worried about falling head over knickers for this guy; it’s more a case of I have to feel pretty comfortable with someone before I can peel off my Primark finest and roll around the bed like I’m Miley Cyrus on Sambuca. But he seems to think that one passionate moment and possible orgasm means my swoon switch will be well and truly flicked, and I’ll be Instagramming the shit out of him as he falls into a post ejaculate coma.

In the words of Simon Cowell, it’s a no from me, as it takes way more than a flash of his pork sword and the latest moves he learnt in FHM to make me even remotely think about him taking on all of my baggage (we’re talking a few carry on cases, but still…)

I’ll be 29 soon, and in the past I’ve certainly been guilty of ‘falling’ for people I have slept with, but looking back I just wanted to be loved and feel wanted; am I scared of that feeling happening again if I choose to start a saucy fling with this guy? No, as I’ve finally reached a place where I can feel comfortable enough to say I choose self respect over a secret hook up.

I want fireworks, I want love, I want the whole party popper experience- the more time I waste on people who just fancy a roll around with no consequences, the wrong message I’ll be sending out to the universe. (Yes I’m one of those people…)

As for ‘not being that type of girl’, well that’s something all girls find themselves saying to a guy, as who the hell wants to be known as an easy lover? But there’s nothing wrong with being sexually confident and saying that you just want to get your leg over too- as let’s face it sometimes that’s all we want! But men seem to feel comfy uttering those words; a little too comfy, as society seems to paint them as the uncommitted species.

If you want sex with no relationship- go for it. If you want a relationship based on friendship and sex- then go for that too. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you get your kicks, just as long as you are happy in the process.

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Diary of a weak woman

27 Aug

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Addiction: The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing or activity

Rolos from the fridge , wearing high heels at work, buying the same dress in ten different colours, The OC and letting go of men who treat my emotions like a piss sodden urinal; Ditched has many addictions, however the last one isn’t that fun to live with…

Last week I was curling my lions mane when my clumsy hand slipped, resulting in four swear words and one hell of a burnt finger. After a few fridge Rolos (seriously you have to try them-forget YOLO, it’s all about the Rolo) I continued my curling mission, while fully aware that a burnt finger, ear or face could be heading my way. This renegade attitude to life, and purely living on the edge is fine in some instances, but not when it comes to keeping guys in my life who leave my self esteem flatter than my Justin Bieber-esque chest.

I love male attention. Not in a stripper- hey baby let me shake my thang kind of way, but being around guys and having a nice laugh gives me a boost that being with my girls just doesn’t create. I also l.o.v.e to see the good in people, even if those people have lied to me, hurt me and acted like a total cock sap. But why oh why OH WHY do I do it to myself, and why do many other amazing women?

Recently a dude I really liked asked me out and made my heart all of a flutter, only to drop the G-bomb; that being he had a girlfriend all along. So what did I do? Yes I went mental and called him a quiff ponce, but after the anger had died down I STILL wanted his attention and even to this day part of me still does. I’ve tried flirting with other men: fail, and even joined a dating site: an even bigger fail.

The same formula could be applied to my previous relationship, with him ending it by text and that being like some sort of catnip to me: one things for sure, I’m definitely a pussy when it comes to telling bad men to do one. Maybe it stems from wanting to change someone: some women want to be the one who changes a man for the better- imagine Harry Styles settling down with you and giving up his cougar ways and you’re half way there.

But just how do I curb my bad addiction? Do I stay away from men until my own self worth is higher? Do I try dating a lady to see what all the fuss is about? Or do I just ignore my urges to contact men who have wronged me and hope it fizzles out like a cheap firework display?

Answers on a postcard PLEASE!

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