Single on Valentine’s Day – how to be your very own one and only

There’s something in the air around this time of year which leaves couples upping their asshole-ness and going all ‘pooki-wooki, oh I wuv you snuggle bear” right up in my grill. Now I’m all for a bit of romance, but for a single gal like myself the big V Day can be a slightly depressing affair; imagine Christmas with no Top of the Pops and you’re pretty much there. But this year I refuse to mope or throw darts at pictures of my douche bag exes, hell NO! This year I am going to treat myself like the queen bee that I am, and do everything that a man would do for me on Valentine’s Day, and yes – I mean everything….

Morning: breakfast in bed
When you are with someone you are forced to share pretty much everything; the same bed, the duvet (don’t even get me started…), a group of friends and more annoyingly: FOOD. I’ll leave my good Friend to say…

So this Valentine’s Day I’ll be making some lovely poached eggs, salmon and toast, complete with an amazing Nespresso coffee, and I’ll have to share it with no mother fucker. They’ll be crumbs everywhere and maybe some yolk on my pillow case for when I get home. blissful…

Drives you to work
Aww, ain’t it fab when the man acts like Lewis Hamilton and drives you to work; what a gent he is, what a swell guy. Actually no, because he drives like an ass, gets angry at people on the curb who are just living life, and listens to terrible music for the whole commute. Give me my sweet ass Ford KA, my Ministry of Sound playlist and the ability to shield myself from any potential male road rage. Plus, I just flutter my eyelashes and pull a sad face so that people let me out of side roads; being with your man would make that a huge FAIL. The only reason I would want to take a ride with a guy is if it ended something like this….

br />

Mid afternoon: the arrival of flowers or 5 foot bears
A few girls in my office have received flowers, and I’m not going to bullshit here as it does make me feel slightly jealous; ok mega jealous and sometimes I want to bash them over the head in a rage (sorry ladies, love you really!) so why not do a good deed and send some to one of your best friends, especially if they are single. As Valentine’s Day doesn’t just have to focus around the person you give your love hormone to.

Evening: The romantic meal
Single On Valentine’s Day; sounds like a slasher movie doesn’t it? And it conjures up such negative images of women crying, eating Ben and Jerry’s, then going and crying in the shower fully clothed. So as millions of couples light the candles and tuck into a lovely meal, why shouldn’t you do the same with your girlfriends? See it as a day to celebrate love, friendship and being a group of hot bitches.

The no pants dance/ horizontal jogging/ getting your leg over
For me the most frustrating thing about being single on Valentine’s Day is the sex, as it’s a time to let loose and make time for some fifty shades kind of action. This is pretty hard to do when you are flying solo, but not impossible, and indulging in some lady loving could be the perfect end to your solo V-Day. I was recently sent some ‘sensual pleasure gels’ from the lovely folk at Durex, which feature two stimulating lubes that ‘cum’ together for an amazing reaction. Now, I have yet to try them with a man (form an orderly queue gents) but the mixture of the warm gel and the tingly one does leave you feeling more than satisfied, plus if you are getting jiggy with yourself then it’s guaranteed to end in fireworks as you are in total control all. night. long…

Durex are holding a special launch event to celebrate: Simply visit the South Bank on Thursday, February 13, to witness ‘The Embrace’ – an incredible light and dance spectacular brought to you by Durex Embrace.
Tweet #DurexEmbrace for the opportunity to see your Valentine message displayed for the world to see. Come down between 6pm and 8:30pm and also get the chance to WIN:

o 3 x luxury weekend breaks
o 6 x Intimate dinners for two at top restaurants
o 9 x Romantic stays at boutique hotels
o 6 x Sets of designer underwear
o Plus lots of fun freebies

F*ck (off) buddy

“Here’s a question. Why do girls feel the need to make it anymore than just sex? Each and every girl makes out that they’re “not that type of girl” but what does that even mean?!”

What does it even mean eh? I mean if we don’t know what it means then how can he possibly know the meaning?

The above quotion (quote/question) comes from a bloke who has outright asked me if I fancy being somewhat of a horizontal jogging partner; I’ve told him the only exercise I do is my morning sit up, aka getting out of bed, and that I’m not the type of girl who can have sexual fun times without A. Feeling cheap B. feeling awkward or C. Feeling like I should be feeling something more than the earth (possibly) moving.

I get where he is coming from, and I know exactly where he’d like to be cumin’ into, but I’m not worried about falling head over knickers for this guy; it’s more a case of I have to feel pretty comfortable with someone before I can peel off my Primark finest and roll around the bed like I’m Miley Cyrus on Sambuca. But he seems to think that one passionate moment and possible orgasm means my swoon switch will be well and truly flicked, and I’ll be Instagramming the shit out of him as he falls into a post ejaculate coma.

In the words of Simon Cowell, it’s a no from me, as it takes way more than a flash of his pork sword and the latest moves he learnt in FHM to make me even remotely think about him taking on all of my baggage (we’re talking a few carry on cases, but still…)

I’ll be 29 soon, and in the past I’ve certainly been guilty of ‘falling’ for people I have slept with, but looking back I just wanted to be loved and feel wanted; am I scared of that feeling happening again if I choose to start a saucy fling with this guy? No, as I’ve finally reached a place where I can feel comfortable enough to say I choose self respect over a secret hook up.

I want fireworks, I want love, I want the whole party popper experience- the more time I waste on people who just fancy a roll around with no consequences, the wrong message I’ll be sending out to the universe. (Yes I’m one of those people…)

As for ‘not being that type of girl’, well that’s something all girls find themselves saying to a guy, as who the hell wants to be known as an easy lover? But there’s nothing wrong with being sexually confident and saying that you just want to get your leg over too- as let’s face it sometimes that’s all we want! But men seem to feel comfy uttering those words; a little too comfy, as society seems to paint them as the uncommitted species.

If you want sex with no relationship- go for it. If you want a relationship based on friendship and sex- then go for that too. There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you get your kicks, just as long as you are happy in the process.

Five ways to get over that douche

Recently Ditched was let down again by a man, which left her feeling insecure, hurt and rejected, and had Hitched running out of love advice. We have had enough of pretty, strong and amazing women being made to feel like dirt just because guys can only think with their dangly bits. So girls, take these five Fab tips and trust us when we say you CAN get over that weasel.

1. Do a Ross Geller
No, not sleep with someone else during a break, but make a list of his pros and cons. Sure he may have that cheeky glint in his eye, a pretty awesome sense of humour and look orgasmic in a fitted t-shirt, but don’t let your sexual desire drive your want for him. Think about his morals, the nice things he does for others and his general attitude towards life- having a big schlong and calling you ‘babe’ doesn’t make him a boy you can bring home to Momma.

2.Listen to your gut
We’ve all been there; enjoying a delish meal when the dance of diarrhoea begins its matinee performance in your gut. Now, do you sprint to the loo or ride it out and end up in the shit (literally). Take this disgusting advice and apply it to him- deep down you know he is a wrong un’, so cut your losses and avoid a hot damn mess.

3. Don’t waste the pretty
If a bellend let’s you down its very tempting to get dolled up and hit the town to attract another. But instead of roaming your local bars, bus stops and Burger King looking for Tom, Dick and Harry, why not save your heels and snuggle up on the sofa with Ben & Jerry instead. They’ll be plenty of chances to shake it like a Polaroid picture and meet your future Fosling (fake Gosling), when you are back to your best.

4. See who he follows
We don’t mean deer stalking the sad sap, but more like logging on to Twitter and seeing who he virtually has love for. If ‘We adore boobs’ or ‘smokin hot babes’ is on that list then you have escaped a grade A perve, and you can thank your lucky stars that he didn’t snap you and tweet in a picture of your amazing lady cannons.

5. Do the maths
You and him don’t add up, but what’s vital to remember is he is one OF a million, not one IN a million. Chances are you’ll cry, be hurt and feel rejected by another man in your life, but knowing that its all simply a law of averages means you can throw that calculator away and subtract another tool from your fabulous life.

Go get em gorgeous!

Ditched’s Official Relationship Top 3

You’re listening to Singleton FM- Where being lonely is always top of our playlist. Today we are joined by dumpsville’s NO1 resident and hopeless romantic- Ditched aka Miss Independent. 

Like many women, she searches for a deeper meaning in song lyrics (the past month has been dedicated to Robin Thicke and his damn Blurred Lines…) and here she runs through her top three tracks which symbolise the relationship she is yet to find…

 

KATY PERRY- TEENAGE DREAM “you think i’m pretty, without any make up on”

This brings back memories of my first love- all butterflies, tongue sandwiches, and talks of ‘we are NEVER breaking up’ IDST. Plus, isn’t it every girls life long dream to be attractive to a bloke, without half  a Benefit counter on her face? This tune reflects the carefree and passionate relationship that I am yet to experience…

 

KINGS OF LEON- SEX ON FIRE “hot as a fever, rattling bones, I could just taste it, taste it”

Woah momma, someone crack open a window as it’s getting hot in herrrrre! The pure animal lust and attraction featured in this song symbolises the deep and intense S.E.X (ohhh naughty) that I need to keep a relationship alive. (Nelly Furtado’s ‘Maneater’ was a close second in my song choice…)

 

P!NK- TRUE LOVE “At the same time, I wanna hug you, I wanna wrap my hands around your neck, you’re an asshole, but I love you”

They say there’s a fine line between love and hate, and P!nk is a woman after my own romantic heart. But I truly believe that realising that your Mr Perfect is actually a Mr ‘sometimes a dick’ is the best thing for any relationship. Fuck the fairytale and roll with life’s punches- after all, changing the frequency on your relationship station can be a fabulous thing.

 

Don’t forget to vote for us in the Cosmo Blog Awards 2013 as the best sex & relationship blog!

We’ve made the Cosmo Blog Awards shortlist 2013!

That’s right fabulous readers, we have been chosen as one of 7 blogs in the sex & relationship category! This year we really want to WIN! But need your help to do so….

Simply click the icon at the bottom of the page and find us in the sex & relationship section!

You can only vote once using the same email address, and the winner will be chosen by 50% voting and 50% judging panel! Voting closes 30th August!

We had a blast at last years awards, and hopefully 2013 will see us walk away with the title of best sex and relationship blog 2013!

Daddy’s Girl

The old saying goes that a woman will look for qualities her Dad possesses when it comes to bagging a man. Here Ditched delves into her relationship vault to see if this really rings true…

Dad, Daddy, Poppa, Father, old man- whatever you call ‘he who helped create you’, do we women really go after men who resemble our Mum’s horizontal jogging partner?
My late Father (I’ll posh it up and call him that for this piece) was cheeky, a charmer, lad about town, in and out of a youth offenders unit, rebellious, outspoken, confident and couldn’t be tied down to anyone or anything. But to those close to him he was a big softie, a true romantic, and a man who struggled to show his true emotions in the right way.

So are the blokes on my dating record guilty of showing the above attributes and personality traits? Well after a close inspection the answer is a big fat yes; pretty much all of my rendezvous have been with men who kind of want to be with me, show my lots of attention at first, but never really want to be in an actual loving relationship; unless it’s with the pub and a pint.

My link to Dads and dating goes all the way back to my ultimate 90’s crush: East 17’s Brian Harvey. He was a small, bald, cheeky, loud mouthed rebel who did things on his terms, and I couldn’t get enough of his bad boy antics (Take That who??)

But do I and other lady folk consciously choose to date Daddy style? Personally if I knew a man was so hard to pin down and wasn’t going to reply to my texts, I wouldn’t want the hassle or heartache. But clearly on some sort of unaware level, I get a thrill out of not knowing how someone feels or how they will treat me; talk about a sucker for punishment! Recently I found out that a guy I liked, and who I thought liked me too, has a girlfriend, which is a massive no no for me, but I still found myself feeling more attracted and wanting him that little bit more.

I never had a close relationship with my Dad, which now causes me to seek approval from guys that I date (hello therapy session!) but I also recognise that passion, excitement and a ‘on your toes’ love life is better suited to me than knowing where I stand.

All I know is that relationships can definitely be a family affair…

Knockout Nookie: is sex better if we wait?

Super hard boxing bloke Carl Froch has bursted (literally) after revealing he went three whole months without sex before his latest fight, but can we mere mortals relate?
Remember the feeling of longing for your other half to return back from his ‘lads on tour’ holiday? Wanting to go for a horizontal jog, and praying that he hasn’t already with a random from a hen party? Now that may only have been one little week, but does going without sex ignite the passion or just piss you both off? Here H & D get under the covers…

Carl Froch and his insanely gorgeous girlfriend Rachael Cordingley had a three month sex ban in place, and even slept in separate beds while Froch was training for the biggest fight of his career. Now many fellas only really get fist happy with those pub punch machines, so placing a sex ban in everyday life is pretty unlikely, but does sexual absence really make the down below heart throb stronger?

Carl admitted “when it finally happened it was like our first time- like falling in love all over again, so of course there were fireworks in the bedroom.” And this was three months of no access to the pants party; three months! Our Ditched is currently on a personal sex ban, in fact it’s been so long since she’s done it, she’s now wondering if bits and pieces still go in the same place…

Hitched & Ditched think that if your partner is away a lot on work, or has been ill for a while, then when you do finally get down to business again it can feel like that steamy car scene in Titanic. But if your other half is delaying the down and dirty just to be a bit of a cock, or simply because Match of The Day over ran, then your sex life may have the passion of Ken and Deirdre from Corrie.

For us its all about the passion, so if you do feel that pure intensity and lust, then why not try to go without sex for a week and see if that builds up to an erotic eruption. But in the meantime, why not have a read of our top five list of things that are worth waiting for. Enjoy!

1. Leaving the ice cream out of the freezer for ten minutes before you dig in: no one likes spoon rage
2. Waiting at least an hour before you reply to his text: he’ll never know you were watching Paul O’Grady’s Dogs in your onesie
3. Not buying that killer jacket, then going back a week later to see it’s on sale: kerrrrrching
4. Watching your fave TV show on Sky Plus, with no one else around: finally, Glee without being judged!
5. Waiting for the right man: not Mr Right now, not Mr right he’ll do, and not Mark Wright (unfortunately)

Love Lauren aka Hitched & Kelly aka Ditched

Hitched & Ditched hit the airwaves!

A while back our very own Ditched, aka Miss Independent, appeared on student radio show Exposure FM, to give her advice on all things relationship. Have a listen below and let us know what you think!

Listen here

Second Hand Men

If only choosing a man was as simple as buying a car…

I recently bought my very first car at the grand old age of 28; yeah yeah it may have taken me longer than most relationships last to pass my test but I’ve always been a slow starter.
I spent many a weekend looking for the ‘perfect’ car; my definition being a nice shiny colour, cute shape and furry dice thrown in for free. After a quick test drive I fell in love with the sheer basicality (new word, just go with it) of the car, and bought the blue beast there and then.

*Adopts Carrie Bradshaw voice* So this got me thinking, if we are so quick to take a chance on a used car, with surface damage and some miles on the clock, why aren’t we as quick to take a chance on men who have been around the block?

I’m not saying that guy you met in a Yates wine lodge, who has openly slept with 100 women, should be número uno on your hit it then quit it list, but perhaps having more of an open mind to men who have a bit of a past could lead to something amazing. Of course, we all want to step onto the relationship forecourt and bag ourselves a brand new ride (smutty minds laugh now), but unless you have come into a small fortune, or have Kelly Brook’s chest, then you’ll have to do a bit of bartering to get what you want.

Everyone has a past, but some are more colourful than others, and for me they are far more interesting. If I think about the celebrity men I want to go horizontal jogging with, all of them have a colourful past, e.g: Tom Hardy once had a drug habit and was a bit of a rebel. Now I’m not saying that the bad boys should always be catching your eye (oh eh oh eye), but no relationship comes with a warranty or insurance.

One of the most fascinating part of a relationship comes after the first date, flowers and fumbles, but when you start to open up about your exes, expectations and things you rarely tell even your closest friends. So having a guy who gives you the wow factor without having to swing by Ann Summers or the florist is pretty special.

 

Do you agree with Ditched? Comment below 🙂

Exceptional Exes

There are some things in life we all have; hopes, dreams, at least one season of The OC on DVD, an annoying bit of hair that roams free from all the others, and of course those dreaded exes. But what happens to those people who you once laughed with, cried over and possibly threw up on? Can they ever truly play a leading role in your life after fluffing their lines oh so many moons ago?

Miss Independent says…          Who’d have thought that me and Katy Perry would have something in common; no, not an amazingly pert rack and love of all things candy, but turning the grand old age of 28 recently. (pulls out grey hair with tweezers) Now while I enjoyed a comedy t-shirt and delicious cookie cake from my older brother, Katy reportedly received a gold bracelet and a meditation cushion from her big bouffanted estranged hubby Russell Brand.

Guys have only ever given me jewellery during a serious romance; by serious I mean the sex dies off and you begin to wonder why this person is constantly wanting to hang around with you, but it was still a nice gesture non the less. But for an ex to buy you such lovely gifts says one of two things; they either genuinely care for you that much as a person, or they are quite possibly see you as the one that got away.

Katy and Russell experienced a relationship more intense than five goes on the Oblivion after a Starbucks espresso, resulting in a quick divorce and pictures of Russell roaming LA with a bevy of pretty ladies, while dressed as the Dhali Jesus. But his gold token of friendship surely shows that the California girl is still a huge firework in his life, even though the teenage dream is over. (too much? Ah just go with it)

All this present giving and treating your former lover in a nice manner got me a thinking about my exes, and the stark reality is that only one would be an important part of my life if I chose to let him. I’m no Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian; you won’t catch me dating a different dude each day, month or year, and I have only experienced 2 long term relationships, one near miss and 10-12 in-between time fillers for those cold Winter nights. So classing any of these geezers as an exceptional ex would be difficult, no matter how much bling he bought me.

It always fascinates me how one minute you are closer than Bear Grylls’ to a snakes fangs, and the next you have ‘Somebody that I used to know’ as the soundtrack to your life. I mean would you just go cold turkey on a mate and stop texting them if they started to annoy you? Well unless they left some Weetabix to congeal in a bowl overnight then the answer would be no, so to blankety blank someone who has seen you in the all together is a situation that always amazes me. But the defining factor there is S.E.X; if you aren’t bouncing around on his Johnson anymore, then why would he care if you are feeling a little low today?

A good man is like gold dust, but a good ex can only be compared to locating Creme Eggs in the middle of December; impossible, unrealistic and a huge let down. My message to Ms Perry? I say embrace it with those double D’s, but be prepared for a Hot then Cold relationship.